Now it's time for the brilliant musical stylings of...Luke Brian? Never trust anyone whose whole name is made up of first names. That is like, rule number seven, America. I know it's hard with such prolific lyrics such as “your love makes my speakers go boom boom” and “I'm a little drunk on you and high on summertime,” but it's all about having standards. There needs to be more standards on this show, and if I have to be the one to create them after-the-fact, then so be it. This is my cross. I will bear it for you all, because I'm here for you, and I care about you guys.
Alright, America. Emily Maynard is no longer f**king around. Homegirl has a Love Sickle and she's chopping down every single dude in the way of her path to love. At this rate, the season finale will be next week.
Chris mentions that he's 25, and Emily is very wary of that. Clearly an old crone of 26 knows that 25 is a total dealbreaker. What sage wisdom this woman has! Luckily for Chris, she's managed to allow his age a pass. He's only 25 but he's a MAN, y'all. Thunder strikes and a fife (...? why?) plays—a tumultuous narrative, for sure. Chris assures Emily that he is mature because he went to school at seventeen, which is, you know, totally unique in the modern American world. No one does that! What an individual. Emily thinks he's an old soul. The rose is his and he lives to date another day.
Let's get right to it; there are two one-on-one dates this week, as well as a group date. Young Gerard Butler (aka Chris) is up first. His shoulders are too big for his shirt, but luckily their date is to climb a building, so his very large shoulder muscles will come in handy. Chris thinks that climbing a building is like love. He's deep, like a puddle. Why are all these ridiculous dates terrible metaphors for love? It makes my head hurt. But wait, there's more. Lightning! A storm's a-brewing. Thunder! Lightning! Crowds! Unfortunately for Chris, Emily's terror only results in high-fives, though, no kisses.
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